Joy can't be based on my circumstances.....

if you know me, you know my heart overflows with love and joy! If you know my hubby and kids, you know why! 

Here's our reality..... My trigeminal and occipital neuralgia have progressed to the point that I'm pretty much couch bound. 

I wake up each morning to my hubby bringing me my pain medicine and warming my compress. I lie there in my bed for at least 30 minutes while my meds start to kick in. Then I get up, warm my compress again, grab a up of coffee or Coke (depending on whether the pain has caused too much nausea or not), then I hit the couch. 

Off and on throughout the morning, I get up to warm my compress and get snacks,etc for my sweet preschooler. It usually makes me pretty sick just to get up! 

While I'm sitting here, I like to crochet, text friends, and watch tv. Today I'm having trouble just lifting my head off the pillow. But, I must! My little one needs his momma!

Ar this point we've tried everything the doctors have suggested! I've had Botox in my face. I've had numerous nerve blocks. I've had brain surgery! Right now, I have an occipital stimulator-it's not helping! 

I used to love getting out and going. Now, just going out for groceries is an awful chore! 

I haven't gotten up off the couch in days! 

So....if I continue this blog, it won't make any sense because I'm in too much pain to concentrate....... More later....

Trust Without Borders

So.....how many times have you sung this?
Sprit  lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
*excerpt from Oceans by Hillsong United
If you've sung the song only once, you've sung those lines six times!

I've listened to this song several times today. I never really thought about my decision to profess Christ as my Lord and Savior, therein saying this with my heart. I just did it!

Our craft at VBS that hot day in August 1982 (I was six), was the wordless book. It was colored construction paper squares: black,  red, green, blue, yellow (for gold-the streets of gold), and white-glorious white! I had a black heart and Jesus shed his red blood so I could have a white, clean heart, and eventually walk the streets of gold! Sounded fabulous! So....I took my little book home, and Mom and I prayed that Jesus would forgive me of all of my sins-present, past, and future. Done. I'm God's!

What that little girl had no idea of was how hard life would be in between her confession and meeting her redeemer face to face.

Knowing Jesus isn't a magic fix y'all! It's just not.

Soon into adulthood, after only dating my dream man-my best friend...my now husband for 4 days, I found out I had to undergo a second open heart surgery. By that point I'd already had 7 surgeries-I'd been born in critical condition with a congenital heart defect. I had crossed eyes-that required a few surgeries throughout my childhood. I broke my hip when I was only 14-had two surgeries for that. And so on, and so on.

My dreams had come true just dating Mr. Wonderful, and there I was facing open-heart! Ugh! We made it though that, and a few months later, married. We had our first child! Oh my dream had come true! I'd always wanted to be a mommy! Yay! A few months later, my left eye started hemorrhaging.  A few days later, I had a laser eye procedure that cost me the health of my macula-that cost me sight in my right eye-my central vision was gone. Good news! I still had my right eye. We were back in business. Back on the road within days-good I'd easily adjusted!

Several months later I was pregnant with baby number two. What? Wait? I'd have two kids 16 months apart? God would keep me afloat. He always did. A girl! She was a GIRL! I so wanted one of each. Adjusting to diapering two wasn't as bad as I thought! Great. My baby girl was low maintenance. I needed that with my toddler son-he was all over the place! I thanked the Lord for her passive nature daily.....was it daily? Probably not. I guess I just took for granted that He'd get me though.....after all, he always did. When our sweet, baby girl was only four months old, we found out that I had yet another bleed in my eye! It turned out to be way out in the peripheral. No major loss. Great! Thank you, Lord. Moving on.

But, then.....then only three months later, I found out I was pregnant again! Yikes! Lord, how can I deal? We're broke! We already have two babies-I'm 25 and my hubby is only 23! Um God......What are you thinking? About a week after I adjusted to the news that I was in fact going to have a third little one to care for, BOOM! I woke up not able to see! My husband and my parents were away! Where was God? Was he away to?  Those were my initial thoughts as I lay on my living room floor, weeping, my two-year-old and nine month old crawling around me. But then...No. He'd heal my eyes, just as he'd healed  my heart. To make a long story just a little shorter, I'll  say, I'm visually impaired. That was it! Where was he? Where was God?

I was so depressed! I only got up to do my routine things because I had three tiny kids! I didn't let anyone 'in'. Most days, I didn't even pick up the phone when it rang.....depressed. Alone! Despair. Overwhelmed! The list could go on and on! We live in a rural community with no bus system. My family lives nearly 30 miles away. Yep. ALONE!

Through God's mercy, I made it to the other side. Sure. Being stuck is the pits! I hate it. Having to organize drivers to get everywhere from the grocery store to the doctor is difficult at best. Good grief...I have four active kids, and my husband is a firefighter. There's difficulty. But, I recognize the hand of God at work now. I didn't in my younger years.....

Then six years ago, the pain began. Why did I ever have that surgery in my eye that triggered the nerve disorder? I could've kept going to the eye clinic  miles and miles away to receive injections in my eyeball had I realized this was going to happen! When would a doctor believe me? When would I be diagnosed? When would the pain stop? A lot of those questions remain to be answered.

I have had so many nerve blocks, procedures, brain surgery too! Now, my pain persists! It's getting worse! I sit on my couch. I put on my 'face' to go out in public occasionally. As I sit here, the pain rages on. When? When, Lord? I do I trust.

I trust. My faith is being made stronger. I love you, Lord. But, hate this!

Where do I go from here? I ask you, Lord? Where? Where do you fit into my pain, or rather, where does my pain fit into your plan?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs

Diapters, wipes, & washing sippy cutps! Oh my!

My homeschool days have come to a close....I think....for good, but let's go with "for now", just in case. I sure did enjoy having my precious boy home with me! Not only did I get to invest in him, he invested in me too.

Three years ago this time, he and I were just getting started with sixth grade!! How can that be? Feels like yesterday.... Then.....as time seems to do.....it flew by and this time last year, we started eighth grade. I foresaw that it was our last year to homeschool together.... It seemed that going to high school would be best for him, as I knew I was not his best source to be ready for college. Now, here we are, the fall of 2014, and it's that time....high school is here! He will soon be gone.....out of our nest.... So, for now, his daddy and I choose to savor the few years we have left with him.

The girls....those beautiful girls! They're both in middle school now-sixth and eighth! Really? They were just preschoolers, weren't they?

The Lord gave us quite a gift two years ago...a baby! A sweet baby boy. Our home was already filled with joy, but this little one has made it overflow!


But, with this little one, comes a world I thought I'd left behind....diapers, wipes, & washing sippy cups. Wiping runny noses. tying cute, little shoes. Reading silly, fun books. Filling up snack cups! Lots and lots of snack cups. Singing childish songs.... It's certainly not what I planned.....really, when I think of him, I think of wonderful, precious things!  Precious things I took for granted with his older sibs! Why? Why did I take them for granted? I know why....

I was young when I had my first born. Only 23. My second and third came right behind him! I was overwhelmed with life.... Taking care of three itty-bitty kids, and learning to cope with visual impairment. At that time their daddy was working 80-100 hours/week just to get by! I could no longer see to look at instructions on the back of packages to cook. I couldn't see the words on the little books my kids so desperately wanted me to read. I couldn't drive! I was stuck! That's the reality I still live with. I'm stuck!

I'm overjoyed to be their momma! I'm in disbelief that God let me marry my best friend, and that we're still best friends! So many blessings....gifts! I know all this to be true, but I still struggle with the day to day being stuck at home..... What do I do with that? I know that this is good because it's from God. But, there's a lot about my life that doesn't "feel" good.  I can't see well enough to drive. When I look at anything-even my kids, there's a hole in it! Ugh! I hurt. I hurt a lot! So....where do I go with it? Well.....today I remind myself that my life isn't "for me", it isn't even "for my kids:. My life is The Lord's. This painful life I'm living is for His glory. Seems like a 'pat answer'..... I hate 'pat answers'.... Today I tell myself that my life looks like the back of a beautiful tapestry. The problem is....I can only see the back for now..... One day! One glorious day....I'll see the front. Until then, I just keep walking this broken road, in this fallen world. I don't know....maybe He's using my struggle in your life. Maybe. Even if He's not....It's for my good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q8pWgDsv1E


I will walk through the valley, if YOU want me to....

When is enough, enough?

So....you may be wondering.....where has Momma Rac gone? She hasn't written in so long! Did she drop off the face of the planet? The short answer is, "Nope. She's still here. She's still enjoying those sweet peeps!"

The long answer..... She hurts. Two words? That's not a long answer. Oh, but it is! Life is now all about trying to keep it together. Trying to figure out how to stop the agony!

We all know I have low vision & as a result of that I've had at least 8 surgeries on my right eye. One of those surgeries was in December 2008. During that surgery, an implant was placed in the right corner of my right eye. The device was placed there with a 3 year supply of steroid to be released periodically to keep down the swelling in the retina-I had a mild case of uveitis. No big deal, right? Wrong!

Several weeks after that the pain began. Mild at first. Mysterious. I thought it would pass just as quickly as it came on. It was complexly in the ocular region. By May of 2009, the doctor noticed that the sutures holding it in place were beginning to come to the surface, so I went in for et another surgery. This time, they shoved the implant in deeper & did a patch graft-they use donor sclera to cover your sclera for added protection-my own sclera had become much too thin. 

Fast forward 4 years. Last April (2013), after seeing several ophthalmologists & neurologists, I began seeing a neurologist at Duke University Medical Center. He really gets it! He really cares!

He's tried the whole list of meds to know avail. He had the retina specialist remivethe implant. My eye STOPPED HURTING! Unfortunately, now the rest of the trigeminal nerves have kicked it up a few notches. I'm typically in excruciating pain.

I've received Botox for erve pain-that helped some. I've started going to the chiropractor for an adjustment & acupuncture once a week. Once a week my mom drives me to Greensboro for a physical therapy appointment along with a biofeedback therapy session.

I ake several ain meds daily & feel like I'm in a fog. I keep asking myself, when is enough, enough? When do I give up & just deal with it? Should I just be miserable? I don't know!

I just know that right now, at 3:30 am Sunday morning, I'm absolutely miserable! I've taken all the meds I can take. I've taken a warm, relaxing bath. I've tried to go to sleep on my sweet hubby's warm, comforting chest. Nothing. So here I sit. Pondering. Praying.

PAIN!!! or Mind over Matter?

Mind over matter. We've all heard it said. Does it work? Guess we'll see....

A little background. This tired, visually impaired momma is in pain. Pain! That's all I can even think about anymore. Pain. For the past four-maybe five years, I've been from specialist to specialist. The pain becomes so severe. I was hospitalized to try to figure out the cause of this pain. Much to our dismay there's no 'real' known cause.

I think it began when I had a seemingly insignificant implant placed in my eye in December of '08. It was just supposed to release steroid periodically so that I didn't have to come have shots pierced into my eye every six weeks. Of course! Sign me up for that! Who wants to come get shots in their eye every six weeks--yes, the eye ball itself! Ugh!

Since then, something has been wrong. I don't know if that surgery was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' or what..... Al I know is, I've dealt with some sort of pain since then.

I'm now going to a new specialist. He's a nuerologist at a Pain Clinic. Between all of the other specialists (one who actually told me to see a psychiatrist) and this new doctor, I've tried almost everything there is to try for this type of facial pain. I started a couple new medications when I went to see him this past week. Here's hoping they'll help.

My husband is carrying the load around here. Most days he comes home to find me on the couch, holding my eye or face. Once again today, he had to take all four kids to church without me. I saw that look in his eyes. It was nothing against me. No anger, resentment, or ill-will. It was frustration and exhaustion. So today I decided I'm not letting the pain take over my life! I'm taking it back! This is no way to live. My husband needs me. My kids need me! We can't keep living this way. I'm taking it back. Mind over matter! Right? Can this really work. What if the matter has taken over your mind? Here's hoping it works!

Mind over matter.

Marriage?

    Marriage? Why was marriage so important? I always wanted to be a "mommy"......Being the 'good Christian girl' I was, I had to get married first. Was that all it was about? To have a 'daddy' for all my babies? Was that the ONLY reason I wanted to get married? No. I wanted a companion! I wanted someone to make me feel like I mattered! I wanted someone to 'complete me'! Hahahahaha! 'Complete me'? Yep! That's what I thought!

   

     Does he 'complete me'? Heck no!  Does he make me super happy? Well....lots of times he does!  Is it the paradise I thought it would be? Not really.

    I was allowed to date when I was 16. I spent 6 years walking around looking for 'him'--'Mr. Wonderful'! I knew that God would give him to me when I was 'ready'. What did I think 'ready' was? 'Ready' was when I looked completely to God to fulfill me. When I no longer was obsessed with myself. When my world revolved around serving God and others! Yep 'ready' was what I'll be in heaven!

    I've learned a lot on this journey. When I was young, I really didn't realize that I thought God was 'waiting' on me to be perfect!  I hadn't even thought about what I used to think until yesterday's sermon.  Yesterday, as one of our associate pastor's was preaching I took a little trip down memory lane..... I took a little walk through that young girl's brain (scary, I know!). 

    The young Rachel was so caught up in herself that she couldn't really see herself....ya know?  I had no idea just how depraved I was! I couldn't see that I was looking for 'Mr. Wonderful' for ME, not for what I could give to him. I wanted to be loved, honored, respected, and completed! There's a lot to be said for looking for a man who honors and respects a lady, that's true. That is very important, but in addition to what he could give me, I should have been dreaming of what I would give HIM!

    In the past 14 years I've realized that marriage is about more than just what we give to each other and how well we serve each other! God put us together to make us more like Himself.  God has used my precious husband as sand paper at times....chistling away at my jagged edges.  Because he knows me so well, he sees what I attempt to hide from others.  He sees me yell at my sweet children.  I tell him things I think about that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else!  Why wouldn't I tell anyone else? Because I don't want them to see my yucky, black heart that comes out in my thoughts ("out of the heart, the mouth speaks").  He helps me see myself honestly! And guess what? He loves me anyway! And really likes me most of the time. ;-)

    God has made me a new person!  He has changed my thoughts!  When we started our marriage, I thought it was all about us....ok......ME. But, God is teaching me that it's about two flawed people becoming more like Jesus.  Please Lord, let me bless my 'Mr. Wonderful' like he blesses me.  He serves me so well! May I never take him for granted.

 

 





SO many, SO Blessed!

Today, as I took a walk with all four of my kids, I thought, "Boy, You gave me a bunch of kids!" I wonder why in the world God decided that I should have SO many children. Ok, so I guess they're not that many of them! But, some days it really seems like it. I love them so much! Each one is special.

They're each unique. They each have their own ideas! Goodness, do they have their own ideas! Yikes!

I know each of them individually so well! In the mornings, I know who's going to be happy to greet a new day, & who will be hesitant to face a new day!  When I fix supper, I know who will lap it up & who will turn their nose up at it. I know them well enough to know what kinds of things annoy them. I know when they're crushed. I know their joy! I feel their broken hearts, but also their joy! I KNOW them, you know?

But, even knowing them as well as I do, I have no idea how many hairs are on their heads. I don't have a perfect future planned for them. Sometimes I want a break  from them because I'm worn out!

God knows me! He knows them! He knows how many hairs are on our heads. He has the perfect future planned for us! He feels my pain, & my joy too! He doesn't get exhausted or need a break from me!

So blessed! I am so blessed! I have four beautiful children that God has ordained for me to raise! The perfect life for me......