Diapters, wipes, & washing sippy cutps! Oh my!

My homeschool days have come to a close....I think....for good, but let's go with "for now", just in case. I sure did enjoy having my precious boy home with me! Not only did I get to invest in him, he invested in me too.

Three years ago this time, he and I were just getting started with sixth grade!! How can that be? Feels like yesterday.... Then.....as time seems to do.....it flew by and this time last year, we started eighth grade. I foresaw that it was our last year to homeschool together.... It seemed that going to high school would be best for him, as I knew I was not his best source to be ready for college. Now, here we are, the fall of 2014, and it's that time....high school is here! He will soon be gone.....out of our nest.... So, for now, his daddy and I choose to savor the few years we have left with him.

The girls....those beautiful girls! They're both in middle school now-sixth and eighth! Really? They were just preschoolers, weren't they?

The Lord gave us quite a gift two years ago...a baby! A sweet baby boy. Our home was already filled with joy, but this little one has made it overflow!


But, with this little one, comes a world I thought I'd left behind....diapers, wipes, & washing sippy cups. Wiping runny noses. tying cute, little shoes. Reading silly, fun books. Filling up snack cups! Lots and lots of snack cups. Singing childish songs.... It's certainly not what I planned.....really, when I think of him, I think of wonderful, precious things!  Precious things I took for granted with his older sibs! Why? Why did I take them for granted? I know why....

I was young when I had my first born. Only 23. My second and third came right behind him! I was overwhelmed with life.... Taking care of three itty-bitty kids, and learning to cope with visual impairment. At that time their daddy was working 80-100 hours/week just to get by! I could no longer see to look at instructions on the back of packages to cook. I couldn't see the words on the little books my kids so desperately wanted me to read. I couldn't drive! I was stuck! That's the reality I still live with. I'm stuck!

I'm overjoyed to be their momma! I'm in disbelief that God let me marry my best friend, and that we're still best friends! So many blessings....gifts! I know all this to be true, but I still struggle with the day to day being stuck at home..... What do I do with that? I know that this is good because it's from God. But, there's a lot about my life that doesn't "feel" good.  I can't see well enough to drive. When I look at anything-even my kids, there's a hole in it! Ugh! I hurt. I hurt a lot! So....where do I go with it? Well.....today I remind myself that my life isn't "for me", it isn't even "for my kids:. My life is The Lord's. This painful life I'm living is for His glory. Seems like a 'pat answer'..... I hate 'pat answers'.... Today I tell myself that my life looks like the back of a beautiful tapestry. The problem is....I can only see the back for now..... One day! One glorious day....I'll see the front. Until then, I just keep walking this broken road, in this fallen world. I don't know....maybe He's using my struggle in your life. Maybe. Even if He's not....It's for my good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q8pWgDsv1E


I will walk through the valley, if YOU want me to....

When is enough, enough?

So....you may be wondering.....where has Momma Rac gone? She hasn't written in so long! Did she drop off the face of the planet? The short answer is, "Nope. She's still here. She's still enjoying those sweet peeps!"

The long answer..... She hurts. Two words? That's not a long answer. Oh, but it is! Life is now all about trying to keep it together. Trying to figure out how to stop the agony!

We all know I have low vision & as a result of that I've had at least 8 surgeries on my right eye. One of those surgeries was in December 2008. During that surgery, an implant was placed in the right corner of my right eye. The device was placed there with a 3 year supply of steroid to be released periodically to keep down the swelling in the retina-I had a mild case of uveitis. No big deal, right? Wrong!

Several weeks after that the pain began. Mild at first. Mysterious. I thought it would pass just as quickly as it came on. It was complexly in the ocular region. By May of 2009, the doctor noticed that the sutures holding it in place were beginning to come to the surface, so I went in for et another surgery. This time, they shoved the implant in deeper & did a patch graft-they use donor sclera to cover your sclera for added protection-my own sclera had become much too thin. 

Fast forward 4 years. Last April (2013), after seeing several ophthalmologists & neurologists, I began seeing a neurologist at Duke University Medical Center. He really gets it! He really cares!

He's tried the whole list of meds to know avail. He had the retina specialist remivethe implant. My eye STOPPED HURTING! Unfortunately, now the rest of the trigeminal nerves have kicked it up a few notches. I'm typically in excruciating pain.

I've received Botox for erve pain-that helped some. I've started going to the chiropractor for an adjustment & acupuncture once a week. Once a week my mom drives me to Greensboro for a physical therapy appointment along with a biofeedback therapy session.

I ake several ain meds daily & feel like I'm in a fog. I keep asking myself, when is enough, enough? When do I give up & just deal with it? Should I just be miserable? I don't know!

I just know that right now, at 3:30 am Sunday morning, I'm absolutely miserable! I've taken all the meds I can take. I've taken a warm, relaxing bath. I've tried to go to sleep on my sweet hubby's warm, comforting chest. Nothing. So here I sit. Pondering. Praying.