PAIN!!! or Mind over Matter?

Mind over matter. We've all heard it said. Does it work? Guess we'll see....

A little background. This tired, visually impaired momma is in pain. Pain! That's all I can even think about anymore. Pain. For the past four-maybe five years, I've been from specialist to specialist. The pain becomes so severe. I was hospitalized to try to figure out the cause of this pain. Much to our dismay there's no 'real' known cause.

I think it began when I had a seemingly insignificant implant placed in my eye in December of '08. It was just supposed to release steroid periodically so that I didn't have to come have shots pierced into my eye every six weeks. Of course! Sign me up for that! Who wants to come get shots in their eye every six weeks--yes, the eye ball itself! Ugh!

Since then, something has been wrong. I don't know if that surgery was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' or what..... Al I know is, I've dealt with some sort of pain since then.

I'm now going to a new specialist. He's a nuerologist at a Pain Clinic. Between all of the other specialists (one who actually told me to see a psychiatrist) and this new doctor, I've tried almost everything there is to try for this type of facial pain. I started a couple new medications when I went to see him this past week. Here's hoping they'll help.

My husband is carrying the load around here. Most days he comes home to find me on the couch, holding my eye or face. Once again today, he had to take all four kids to church without me. I saw that look in his eyes. It was nothing against me. No anger, resentment, or ill-will. It was frustration and exhaustion. So today I decided I'm not letting the pain take over my life! I'm taking it back! This is no way to live. My husband needs me. My kids need me! We can't keep living this way. I'm taking it back. Mind over matter! Right? Can this really work. What if the matter has taken over your mind? Here's hoping it works!

Mind over matter.

Marriage?

    Marriage? Why was marriage so important? I always wanted to be a "mommy"......Being the 'good Christian girl' I was, I had to get married first. Was that all it was about? To have a 'daddy' for all my babies? Was that the ONLY reason I wanted to get married? No. I wanted a companion! I wanted someone to make me feel like I mattered! I wanted someone to 'complete me'! Hahahahaha! 'Complete me'? Yep! That's what I thought!

   

     Does he 'complete me'? Heck no!  Does he make me super happy? Well....lots of times he does!  Is it the paradise I thought it would be? Not really.

    I was allowed to date when I was 16. I spent 6 years walking around looking for 'him'--'Mr. Wonderful'! I knew that God would give him to me when I was 'ready'. What did I think 'ready' was? 'Ready' was when I looked completely to God to fulfill me. When I no longer was obsessed with myself. When my world revolved around serving God and others! Yep 'ready' was what I'll be in heaven!

    I've learned a lot on this journey. When I was young, I really didn't realize that I thought God was 'waiting' on me to be perfect!  I hadn't even thought about what I used to think until yesterday's sermon.  Yesterday, as one of our associate pastor's was preaching I took a little trip down memory lane..... I took a little walk through that young girl's brain (scary, I know!). 

    The young Rachel was so caught up in herself that she couldn't really see herself....ya know?  I had no idea just how depraved I was! I couldn't see that I was looking for 'Mr. Wonderful' for ME, not for what I could give to him. I wanted to be loved, honored, respected, and completed! There's a lot to be said for looking for a man who honors and respects a lady, that's true. That is very important, but in addition to what he could give me, I should have been dreaming of what I would give HIM!

    In the past 14 years I've realized that marriage is about more than just what we give to each other and how well we serve each other! God put us together to make us more like Himself.  God has used my precious husband as sand paper at times....chistling away at my jagged edges.  Because he knows me so well, he sees what I attempt to hide from others.  He sees me yell at my sweet children.  I tell him things I think about that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else!  Why wouldn't I tell anyone else? Because I don't want them to see my yucky, black heart that comes out in my thoughts ("out of the heart, the mouth speaks").  He helps me see myself honestly! And guess what? He loves me anyway! And really likes me most of the time. ;-)

    God has made me a new person!  He has changed my thoughts!  When we started our marriage, I thought it was all about us....ok......ME. But, God is teaching me that it's about two flawed people becoming more like Jesus.  Please Lord, let me bless my 'Mr. Wonderful' like he blesses me.  He serves me so well! May I never take him for granted.

 

 





SO many, SO Blessed!

Today, as I took a walk with all four of my kids, I thought, "Boy, You gave me a bunch of kids!" I wonder why in the world God decided that I should have SO many children. Ok, so I guess they're not that many of them! But, some days it really seems like it. I love them so much! Each one is special.

They're each unique. They each have their own ideas! Goodness, do they have their own ideas! Yikes!

I know each of them individually so well! In the mornings, I know who's going to be happy to greet a new day, & who will be hesitant to face a new day!  When I fix supper, I know who will lap it up & who will turn their nose up at it. I know them well enough to know what kinds of things annoy them. I know when they're crushed. I know their joy! I feel their broken hearts, but also their joy! I KNOW them, you know?

But, even knowing them as well as I do, I have no idea how many hairs are on their heads. I don't have a perfect future planned for them. Sometimes I want a break  from them because I'm worn out!

God knows me! He knows them! He knows how many hairs are on our heads. He has the perfect future planned for us! He feels my pain, & my joy too! He doesn't get exhausted or need a break from me!

So blessed! I am so blessed! I have four beautiful children that God has ordained for me to raise! The perfect life for me......

He's Super Cute!!

My, my it's been a long time! Where have I been? What's up with those peeps? Did I fall into the abyss? Nope! But, we've added a new peep & the other peeps aren't so "peep like" anymore!

What's new? What's not new might be the easiest to answer! Hahaha! 

My oldest is now being homeschooled. That's a lot to take on! He's in 7th grade now--we started home school last year. It's a lot of work, but I know it's good for him. It's nice to be able to see exactly what he's doing in school. He will soon be 13! Whoa! A teenager!?!? He's grown several inches in the last several months. I love watching him grow into a man. Very bitter-sweet.

Our girls are still in school. They're 10 & 11. They're turning into lovely young ladies.

Now, for the biggest news...... Baby number 4 turned ONE year old yesterday! We were completely taken by surprise! We thought we were done with babies..... But...... We weren't! On my 35th birthday, I had my sweet boy with me, I just didn't know it until two weeks later. What a wonderful surprise!

He's super cute & extremely active. He is such a joy! He brings a smile to the face of everyone he meets! I'm so thankful that God gave him to us! We would have never asked for him--we thought that another pregnancy would damage my eyes even more. But, it didn't!! My eyes stayed stable. Praise God!