Trust Without Borders

So.....how many times have you sung this?
Sprit  lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
*excerpt from Oceans by Hillsong United
If you've sung the song only once, you've sung those lines six times!

I've listened to this song several times today. I never really thought about my decision to profess Christ as my Lord and Savior, therein saying this with my heart. I just did it!

Our craft at VBS that hot day in August 1982 (I was six), was the wordless book. It was colored construction paper squares: black,  red, green, blue, yellow (for gold-the streets of gold), and white-glorious white! I had a black heart and Jesus shed his red blood so I could have a white, clean heart, and eventually walk the streets of gold! Sounded fabulous! So....I took my little book home, and Mom and I prayed that Jesus would forgive me of all of my sins-present, past, and future. Done. I'm God's!

What that little girl had no idea of was how hard life would be in between her confession and meeting her redeemer face to face.

Knowing Jesus isn't a magic fix y'all! It's just not.

Soon into adulthood, after only dating my dream man-my best friend...my now husband for 4 days, I found out I had to undergo a second open heart surgery. By that point I'd already had 7 surgeries-I'd been born in critical condition with a congenital heart defect. I had crossed eyes-that required a few surgeries throughout my childhood. I broke my hip when I was only 14-had two surgeries for that. And so on, and so on.

My dreams had come true just dating Mr. Wonderful, and there I was facing open-heart! Ugh! We made it though that, and a few months later, married. We had our first child! Oh my dream had come true! I'd always wanted to be a mommy! Yay! A few months later, my left eye started hemorrhaging.  A few days later, I had a laser eye procedure that cost me the health of my macula-that cost me sight in my right eye-my central vision was gone. Good news! I still had my right eye. We were back in business. Back on the road within days-good I'd easily adjusted!

Several months later I was pregnant with baby number two. What? Wait? I'd have two kids 16 months apart? God would keep me afloat. He always did. A girl! She was a GIRL! I so wanted one of each. Adjusting to diapering two wasn't as bad as I thought! Great. My baby girl was low maintenance. I needed that with my toddler son-he was all over the place! I thanked the Lord for her passive nature daily.....was it daily? Probably not. I guess I just took for granted that He'd get me though.....after all, he always did. When our sweet, baby girl was only four months old, we found out that I had yet another bleed in my eye! It turned out to be way out in the peripheral. No major loss. Great! Thank you, Lord. Moving on.

But, then.....then only three months later, I found out I was pregnant again! Yikes! Lord, how can I deal? We're broke! We already have two babies-I'm 25 and my hubby is only 23! Um God......What are you thinking? About a week after I adjusted to the news that I was in fact going to have a third little one to care for, BOOM! I woke up not able to see! My husband and my parents were away! Where was God? Was he away to?  Those were my initial thoughts as I lay on my living room floor, weeping, my two-year-old and nine month old crawling around me. But then...No. He'd heal my eyes, just as he'd healed  my heart. To make a long story just a little shorter, I'll  say, I'm visually impaired. That was it! Where was he? Where was God?

I was so depressed! I only got up to do my routine things because I had three tiny kids! I didn't let anyone 'in'. Most days, I didn't even pick up the phone when it rang.....depressed. Alone! Despair. Overwhelmed! The list could go on and on! We live in a rural community with no bus system. My family lives nearly 30 miles away. Yep. ALONE!

Through God's mercy, I made it to the other side. Sure. Being stuck is the pits! I hate it. Having to organize drivers to get everywhere from the grocery store to the doctor is difficult at best. Good grief...I have four active kids, and my husband is a firefighter. There's difficulty. But, I recognize the hand of God at work now. I didn't in my younger years.....

Then six years ago, the pain began. Why did I ever have that surgery in my eye that triggered the nerve disorder? I could've kept going to the eye clinic  miles and miles away to receive injections in my eyeball had I realized this was going to happen! When would a doctor believe me? When would I be diagnosed? When would the pain stop? A lot of those questions remain to be answered.

I have had so many nerve blocks, procedures, brain surgery too! Now, my pain persists! It's getting worse! I sit on my couch. I put on my 'face' to go out in public occasionally. As I sit here, the pain rages on. When? When, Lord? I do I trust.

I trust. My faith is being made stronger. I love you, Lord. But, hate this!

Where do I go from here? I ask you, Lord? Where? Where do you fit into my pain, or rather, where does my pain fit into your plan?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs